Coaching for Victims and Perpetrators of Emotional Abuse

Caring,

Coaching,

Change…

for victims and perpetrators of emotional abuse

 

 

For those suffering in an emotionally abusive lifestyle, be it victim or abuser, it can seem as if there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.  For years you may have witnessed or tried to:

  • love him more
  • do more for him
  • control your anger toward her
  • make excuses for his behavior
  • lower your expectations
  • walk on eggshells
  • felt if “she would only…” things would be better
  • be a better provider as a husband
  • try harder
  • given in
  • be the peacemaker
  • believed it’s “all your fault”
  • felt trapped
  • belittled

and on and on.  None of it has worked.  In some cases things may have gotten worse.  The abuse simply will not stop.  You may feel trapped, helpless, and hopeless.

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If you are a Victim of abuse, the key to remember is IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  There is nothing you did to turn on the abuse and there is nothing you can do, directly, to turn it off. The abuse originates within your mate’s head and is derived, usually, from trauma or modeling he experienced as a very young child.

You have more than likely been so mentally beat down, put down, ignored, and made to feel totally worthless that at some point you began to believe the lies.

The abuser’s goal is to wear you down to a point where you start to believe that
you are the problem, or you are going crazy, and even – the abuser is the victim!

Best selling author Austin JamesAs a former abuser with over 262,000 hours of experience in control, manipulation, unmet expectations, and many other tactics used to intimidate and undermine your sanity, I understand some of what you are going through. Though I can’t relate exactly to your journey – no one can but you – I can help make sense of what your mate is trying to accomplish from his tactics, and most importantly, how to circumvent them and regain your sanity and power within the relationship.

I can help you make sense of questions such as:

  • “Why does he _______?”
  • “How can he do this to me when he says he loves me?”
  • “How do I make him stop/change?”
  • “How will I know if he is changing?”

These are the most asked questions I have received in the hundreds of emails sent to me since I released my book titled Emotional Abuse: Silent Killer of Marriage.

What is needed is you to regain your sense of self and begin to understand some of the childhood wounds that have impacted you and your relationships your whole life. Perhaps this isn’t the first time you’ve found yourself in this type of relationship and situation?

You must relearn to set personal boundaries that you may have given up on over the years. You must regain the power and control over your own life! Again, stealing those away from you is a critical component to the abuser’s mindset.

I can assist you to know if things are working, real change is taking place, or perhaps it’s time to take the next step.  Though I do not advocate divorce IF your heart is to stay in the relationship, I do believe removing yourself from the constant barrage of pain and put-downs is important.  It is VERY difficult to focus on YOU when you’re constantly trying not to break the eggshells you walk on daily.

For the recovering abuser, the walk away from your former lifestyle is lonely, painful, and many times fraught with confusion. When I became aware of my own abuse, I was so scared. I had no clue as to which way to turn.  I desperately needed someone to mentor me. This “new world” I awoke to was completely foreign to me. For the first time in my life, I was free from the majority of my abusive behaviors while being astutely aware of those that remained. I craved someone who had “been there done that” to come alongside and guide me through the many challenges I faced; to show me the way through the fog of confusion, and help me stay focused on that sometimes dimly lit light at the end of the tunnel.   I also had so many questions as to what the heck happened to me and how did I ever end up as this person?”

Sound familiar?

Allow me to coach/mentor you to a brand new you.  After 10 years post-abuse I can tell you that life is great!  For this first time in my life I like the person I am.  I think differently as well as act differently.  The 260,000+ hours I spent as a horrendous emotional abuser – gone!

I can assure you if you have the four traits needed in order to heal from emotional abuse I can help.  What is needed?

  • Conviction – you must have a strong conviction to your very soul of the man you discovered you were – an emotional abuser.  That revelation must shack you to your core, knowing how you mistreated your mate; to the point of physiologically tearing her down, brainwashing her, belittling, devaluing, and generally causing her to walk on eggshells around you.
  • Ownership – No “I realizing I’m an emotional abuser, but my wife…” here.  Let me ask you – what behavior on your wife’s part justifies you emotionally abusing her? None. You must own 100% of your behavior and actions over the life of your abusive past.  Finger pointing will not cut it, and will hinder your ability to heal.  Trust me.
  • Remorse – When I discovered the truth about my emotional abuse it completely broke me – as a man, husband, and father.  I was lower then a snakes belly, knowing how I treated my wife and what my children had to witness in my behavior. That remorse to my will to fight – to be angry nearly every day of my life – away from me.  I was so ashamed of who I had been for over 30-years of my life. It was difficult for me to look at my wife and kids, knowing the man I was for so many years.  This remorse hopefully leads you to the 4th trait…
  • Humility – your power has been stripped away from within the household.  You feel ashamed and perhaps  desperately want a do-over on the past years you’ve been with your mate. The problem is, the decision is no longer yours. Hopefully, instead of anger you are humbled. The Bible tells us to “…count others as more significant that yourselves.” No longer should you have the mindset of being intellectually superior to your wife or anyone else. Or be the man with all the answers… never wrong (this one is huge!)  Whether your wife chooses to stay or go is not within your power or control.  You must realize, for the most part, your wife does not believe you.  And rightfully so… you must learn to humbly submit to your desires for a time until you have earned back the right to lead the family.

Though I have not walked the exact journey that you have been on, it is surprising the amount of commonality you and I share during our abusive years.  The mindsets or behaviors of an abuser are fairly common from case to case.  It’s why I’m confident that if you have the right mindset and are willing to face probably the toughest thing you’ve ever done – and stick with it – you WILL emerge and healthier person and no longer an abusive threat to others. It will take time and it will take effort on your part, even when you mess up time and time again (it’s part of the learning process),

You CAN HEAL from your emotionally abusive lifestyle.  Do not believe what you may have read or heard from others, even professionals.  Though they are well caring people who sincerely want to help they may not have been trained in how to specifically help the abuser.  You will be amazed how you and I will ‘talk’ in the same language about our abusive past.  I’ve been there and I know how to walk away from the crippling fears, beliefs and thought processes that many times cause you to react before you can even think.

What about couples counseling? My wife and I tried couples counseling many times while I was in my abusive state.  Each time we met with a counselor, Teri ALWAYS brought up anger as the number one issue facing our marriage.  This should have immediately raised a flag as to a possible abuse situation.

Never once was the word ‘abuse’ brought up or even probed. For that reason I do not advocate couples counseling.  In my opinion it doesn’t work. This isn’t a couples issue. It’s an abuser’s issue.  There are things the victim  can certainly do to gain back control, their self-worth, and dignity but the core of the situation is the abuser’s abuse!

Here’s a video I recorded on the subject if you’re interested.

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So, what can you do?  Live with the pain? Try for the 1000th time to love him so he will love you back?  Try harder not to lose you cool and fly off into a rage at your wife as you’ve done countless times before? Continue to think she’s the issue? Simply live with the pain for the sake of the kids?

How could your life and relationship change if there is someone to guide you who:

      • has over a quarter of a million hours (262,800 hours actually – 30 years!) walking in an abusive lifestyle and was an expert at mind games, control, and manipulation?
      • fully understands the abuser’s mindset and tactics AND how to defeat them?
      • has successfully changed and is now free of the control, anger, manipulation, and expectation driven world that held him prisoner for so long?
      • understands your hurt, your pain, your hopelessness; the guilt and shame of  where you’ve been and where you are?
      • won’t judge you?
      • will give you understanding and compassion to a very REAL and confusing issue that is sucking the life out of you while destroying your relationships and family?
      • can communicate in a language that you completely understand when few others can?
      • will hold you accountable to the change you desperately desire.? Talk is good. Talk combined with action is a force.
      • can counsel you as to whether real change is taking place in him or just more of the same mind games?
      • can help take the necessary steps to remove yourself from the constant pain and attacks?

With those thoughts in mind, I work with a select number of candidates providing one-on-one coaching to help each person successfully navigate through their own journey to freedom and a much healthier lifestyle.

When working with couples, I work with you individually. You each have you’re own pain and circumstances to deal with. I can help “bridge the gap” between the two of you while directing you separately to a healthier you and vibrant relationship – many times for the very first time!

The abuser must be held accountable for their behavior;
the victim must learn to regain power, set boundaries, and be ready for the “what ifs”

Over 500 hours of therapy and a degree in counseling and I was nowhere except getting worse. Thanks to Austin and his coaching program I can honestly say I’m improving daily.  Joseph, FL

The coaching is designed to educate you as to ‘why’ the abusive or victim tendencies became part of your life and how to get rid of them – for good.

You do NOT have to live this way but you do need to make a decision to change, to learn, and to consistently take action to rewire your brain to more positive approaches and patterns of behavior. I will stand alongside you and provide you the tools you need.  I will guide you through your journey.

Austin was wonderfully patient as I learned about my past and found the areas of my life I had allowed to slip away and given to someone else. His compassion is wonderful! Lisa, MI

The  coaching program consist, initially, of 4 weekly, 1-on-1 sessions lasting anywhere from 45 to 90 minutes over the course of a month via Skype, phone, Facetime, or Google Hangouts, etc.  During the program, and as needed,  I provide a follow-up email, video or audio response so you have a record of what was discussed and the recommendations made. This helps to alleviate the overwhelm and confusion during those critical first few weeks.

I also provide personal ongoing text support between sessions!

My commitment is to come along side you for the duration of our time working together, not just for 45-60 minutes a week.  That is not effective in my opinion.  The abuse landscape can change drastically in a few days time.  What was discussed in a session 4 days ago may be completely different now. You may be afraid to approach your wife in complete humility. The fear of standing up to your husband may be overwhelming.

Isn’t it nice to know you can reach out to your coach for support
or perhaps that ‘nudge’ to help move you into action?

If you are just awakening to the reality of your anger, control, and manipulation. You need ongoing support to help you see a path during the confusion, anxiety, and fog that can occur.

I am very selective of whom I choose to work with.  I give personalized attention to each person’s needs and situation – there is no cookie-cutter formula for transformation.  I desire someone who knows they need help – be it victim or abuser – and is desperate for change in themselves and their relationship.

Austin has a way to relate to me that no one else has been able to before. He ‘gets’ where I’ve been and where I want to be in my healing. His sincerity and willingness to be involved gives me the confidence to know I can heal and that I’m not alone in doing so. He truly has a gift to help me recognize and walk away from my abusive lifestyle.  Mark, Ohio

The cost of my coaching, which includes 4 sessions, text support, and follow-up recaps as needed is only $270.  If funds are tight I do allow single session payments of only $75. Please do not send funds until requested to do so.

That investment into your health and future is a mere fraction of today’s clinical fees charged by caring professionals who are well intentioned but may have very little, if any, experience in helping those trapped in an emotionally abusive lifestyle.   I can offer my services at a discount because I do not require the overhead of offices and staff.  I’m not interested in growing a big business.

I’m sincerely interested and committed to helping change lives.

I provide a free, 1/2 hour, pre-consultation call prior to any commitment being made from either of us.  This gives you peace of mind that I am someone who deeply cares and can relate to your situation, as well as someone who can help you to affect real change in your life.  After all, I’m trying to help you get over a mountain you may be ill-equipped to climb.

Thank you Austin for all you’ve done for me. You’ll never know the debt of gratitude that is owed to you. May many blessings come your way due to your willingness to help others like me get healthy when all others gave up on me.  There is hope!  Steve, OR

I can’t guarantee change – change must come from a desire and willingness within. But I can assure you I have the experience and compassion to understand your plight; understand your language, and understand what is needed in order to see lasting change in your situation, whether you are a victims or perpetrator of abuse.

Get off the merry-go-round of abuse.  How long have you been going around and around – seeing the same results in him? The same feelings of hopelessness in you?

For a small investment in your life,
things CAN change for you.

For more information, to ask me a question, or if you’re ready to get started please email me at aj@anabuserspeaks.com with ‘coaching’ in the subject line or simply click send email.

Austin